Dec 30, 2008, Washington Post, page B5

Ethel Beun, 72; Shop Owner Rescued Cats - http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/29/AR2008122902328.html

In the upcoming Sunday, January 4, issue of the the Washington Post, Metro Section, page B5 there will be a longer article on Mom (Ethel) in the section titled "A Local Life." Ironically, January 4, was the date 3 years ago that Mom had her whipple surgery and her life and that of her family was forever changed. January 4, was also my Father's birthday. He would have been 73.

Dec 4, Alexandria Gazette Packet Article on Mom (Ethel)

Unique Champion for Cats
Founder of King Street Cats & Unique Shop Dies of pancreatic cancer.
http://www.connectionnewspapers.com/article.asp?article=323070&paper=59&cat=104

Celebration of Life Service for Ethel Beun & my Speech for Mom

Ethel Beun's Celebration of Life Service was held on
Saturday, December 13, at 1:00 pm at the Arlington Metaphysical Chapel.

The family would like to thank all those at the Chapel, choir, and readers that all made the service so special in particular Rev. Reed Brown. Additional thanks to Ronnie who hosted the reception at her home.

Donations
If you would like to make a donation, you can do so to one of the following charities in Ethel's name to (1) King Street Cats, 213 King St, Alexandria, VA 22314, http://www.kingstreetcats.org/ , or to PanCan (Pancreatic Cancer group) at http://www.pancan.org/

Thank you,
Jennifer at whippetdogs@yahoo.com

This is the speech I made at my Mom's Celebration of Life -- I love you Mom...

For Mom’s Celebration of Life
************************************************

We don’t remember days, we remember moments.
I want to share some things that my Mother, Ethel, loved in life…

* She loved Black licorice
* She collected cobalt blue glass and blue was her favorite color
* She loved Maxfield Parish
* She loved Cherubs and angels and believed in the magic they bring to the world
* She Loved animals and taught my brother and I all the joy they would bring to our lives
* She loved pistachio pudding
* She made the best boxed Macaroni & cheese in the world
* She always made my brother and I homemade Halloween costumes
* In her single days she used to throw crazy drunken great parties
* She always had gorgeous Christmas trees sometimes 12 feet tall with tinsel and ornaments that she has collected for years. She always had special Santa and holiday displays on our library table at Christmas time.
* She always used the RED “You Are Special Today” plate for our birthday celebrations
* She never thought you should go out for a special occasion without lipstick
* She loved beer and port wine
* She had the most gorgeous almost wrinkle free skin
* She had a special twinkle in her turquoise pool blue eyes that I will never forget
* She loved her grandchildren dearly and her role in their lives as their ITA
* She loved her flower garden and getting her hands dirty
* She was never afraid to roll up her sleeves and get it done – whatever the project
* She always gave people a chance
* She was a teacher to many
* She liked to be understated and never showy
* She liked everything small -- small rooms, small car, small cross necklace she wore, everything small -- like she was
* She was happiest at our Sunday night dinners when we were all together
* She always found the positive in life and tried to ‘make lemonade out of lemons’
* She always taught me ‘inch by inch, life’s a synch, yard by yard, life is hard’
* She loved it when she married Jim and didn’t have to cook anymore
* She loved seeing her children grow up and marry and then have children
* She loved the Messiah at Christmas time
* She loved being involved in her Church and singing in the choir; and she loved the peace it brought to her
* She loved her walks with Jim down the paths of Old Town by the water
* She accepted people for who they were and tried to find the good in everyone
* She loved the saying, “Because Nice Matters”
* She had a love and zest for life that was unforgettable
* She never complained
* She had a special dignity and grace with which she did things
* And finally, my Mom’s devotion to my brother and I was truly extraordinary. We always absolutely, unequivocally came first. She always put our needs ahead of her own.

Mom loved this poem and asked me to share it with those she knew and loved.

Time is Too Slow for those who wait; Too swift for those that fear; Too long for those that grieve; Too short for those that rejoice; But for those that love, time is eternity.

--Henry Van Dyke

This is a story about rubber bands.
When my Grandpa wanted to remember anything, he always put a rubber band around his wrist, then switched it back and forth depending on when he had something new to remember. When my Mom was a teacher, she always needed rubber bands on her wrist so she continued to wear them long after she stopped teaching. My brother has also worn rubber bands on his wrist for years as he always finds he has a need for them. A few days prior to my Mom’s service, my daughter Eden (21 months) was in the kitchen looking toward the back door as if she was looking at someone. I went in and she had a thick rubber band around her wrist. We don’t have those types of rubber bands around the house and she has never seen us with rubber bands on her wrist. I believe this was my Mom’s way of showing she was around and to know she was there and still with us.

I want to thank all the people who have been there for my Mom these past 2 years. All the family and friends who spent time with her, encouraged her, sent cards and notes and flowers and cleaned litter boxes, helped in Unique, who left messages and emails, and so much more.

It is hard for me to believe she’s gone physically, my primary influence, friend, supporter and wisest counselor has left me physically. My Mom was such an active participant in this world. I am so grateful to have been with her in her last hours. People choose who are with them when they pass. This was my Mothers greatest and final gift to me, to be with her when she passed into her new and everlasting life. My Mom had an enormous heart filled with passion, compassion, and empathy. It’s not surprising that in the end, her heart was still beating when her body had shut down, because it was her heart that drove her every act throughout her life.

Helen Keller said, “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” IF, by the end of her life, my mother ended up touching all of your hearts -- then I ask you, what else can anyone ask for in this world, but to touch people’s hearts.

I’d like to leave you with a Cherokee expression that says,
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

A New Angel in Heaven...

This morning at 4:28 am Mom passed away peacefully while I was holding her hand and stroking her head. She gave me the greatest gift that she could have and let me be there with her when she crossed the rainbow bridge to the other side. She is free of pain and suffering and at peace. She waited so long because she did not want to leave us -- I am sure of it.
Heaven is a better place now.

There will be a memorial service at her church, AMC, in the coming weeks. You can check here for more details at a later date.

Thanks to all of you for your unending support, love, and caring. She loved each of you in her own special way.

6:30 pm Update

Mom is still with us but not doing well at all. She has all the signs her body is failing. I won't go into it but I will say she is comfortable.

I am wondering what she is waiting for? From everything I have read people leave when they are ready, on their own time. We've all told her we will be okay and that she can go. Honestly, I think the reason she is still here is that she doesn't want to leave her family.

That's all for now.... I am headed back to Hospice after I get Eden to bed.

Thank you to everyone who wished Mom a Happy Birthday!

Mom's Special Day...

11:56 pm
Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes via email, mail, family, and more. I just left and Mom is still with us but she had a very rough day. We almost lost her this afternoon but I think there were too many people there and she wants to be alone. There was so much commotion and I felt like she wanted peace and it was not peaceful.

I left her tonight and told her the angels were calling her. I know it was the right thing to do not to stay with her. Some people want to just be alone and I feel this is what she wants.

I am tired and sad. I am hopeful for Mom's sake she will go home... it is her time I think. But she will decide when.

Hope & Mom's Birthday

I still have hope. I hope Mom will not be suffering. I hope our family will be okay after Mom passes. I hope I will be able to survive without her. I hope we all get along. I hope about a lot every day.

Mom's (Ethel's) life is in her hands now on her terms. Tomorrow, Saturday, November 29th, is Mom's 72nd Birthday. She made it. We never dreamed she would. She surprised us all but is that really that surprising knowing my Mom?

Now it is her turn to decide when she is ready to leave. I keep looking for a sign, something in her eyes, a feeling, a look, anything, so that I will know when. That is not my decision to make as it is something she has total control over. She will be with whoever she chooses when she does decide it is her time to cross over. She has had so little control over her disease, her pain, and so much more and finally -- she can choose. She chose how she lived and now she must choose how she will leave us.

The major lesson for the living to learn from people facing the end of life is how growth can come through loss. Those who open up to these crises have much to teach.
People living with a life-threatening illness can encourage others to recognize their own priorities; to care about how they relate to others; to use time wisely; to say the simple words of apology and thanks and goodbye; to be honest about anger, protest, and negative feelings; and to recognize the releasing and positive elements of these feelings. Relationships may be healed, anger and resentments laid aside, and sources of meaning discovered together with a new sense of self. Those who are dying can teach others to hold on to hope and to cherish relaxation and creativity.

Wish Mom a happy birthday tomorrow whether in spirit or by emailing me at whippetdogs@yahoo.com and I will print out all the messages to her and read them.

Mom is Stable for Now

Well, Mom is continuing to amaze all of us. She is better than last night. That is not to say things are good by any means. She is continuing to hold on. She no longer drinks anything and is still swallowing but we can't take the chance of any fluid getting stuck in her throat. She is such a strong willed person and she is holding on. Her birthday is this Saturday, November 29, and she will be 72 years young.

I can't even begin to express what this time with her means to me.

The Final Journey

I don't even know what to say... she is failing. She can not longer swallow and has begun what is referred to as the death gurgle. When you have saliva or fluid that is stuck in your throat and you cannot clear it it means you cannot or cannot almost swallow. She can no longer lift her limbs and seems barely able to hold her eyes open. This is all part of the process of dying... I know what I have read in Final Gifts, Final Journey's, and many other Final books I have devoured.

They told us it could be tonight but not likely. Her temperature came down from 100, her hands look beautiful and are not swollen at all nor are her feet. I gave her a gorgeous manicure sans polish today then rubbed lotion on her hands. I could tell she loved it. Since she was so warm the Doc said that the fever actually "ate up" the edema in her hands. Funny how the body works, pretty damn amazing actually. Her breathing worries me, yes the sound, but also the depths of it.

I had to come home this evening. The 2 times I have stayed there I have been a mess the next day (exhausted and napping all day). I will be there tomorrow morning and hopefully things will be okay.

Prayers for the Dying:
Overcoming the Fear
Are you intimidated to offer prayers for the dying? Death is close at hand and you are there to bring comfort. Can you do it? Do you know how? The very fear you have and the grief you feel is also in the heart and mind of the one who is facing death. Don’t fight that, but embrace it and share it. Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” As you mourn with someone who is dying or with someone who’s experiencing the death of someone close to them -- you give them comfort, you uplift, you are blessed because you are blessing someone else, and you too will experience comfort.

That is all for now--I have no doubt that all of us here give me great comfort and I hope each other too.

Transition Time (Tues pm)

Mom is not doing well. She refused any liquids today. She opens her eyes but they are not focused on anything. I always put her glasses on if she opens her eyes even the smallest bit. If she is going to have them open I want her to be able to see. I talked to her for a long time and I felt like she knew what I was saying.

I took a late nap in her bed with her curled up opposite her rubbing her leg. Today was a hard day. Life is very sad these days. My Mom always said, this too shall pass, about hard times. But this is her life, it is different.

I am thankful that I have had Mom for as long as I have... but I am not thankful that she is leaving. My heart is slowly breaking and I will never be the same. Nothing is normal anymore. I don't even know what normal is.

Looking for the Sunrise
I’m not looking for the sunset,
As the swift years come and go;
I am looking for the sunrise,
And the golden morning glow,
Where the light of heaven’s glory
Will break forth upon my sight,
In the land that knows no sunset,
Nor the darkness of the night.

I’m not going down the pathway
Toward the setting of the sun,
Where the shadows ever deepen
When the day at last is done;
I am walking up the hillside
Where the sunshine lights the way,
To the glory of the sunrise
Of God’s never-ending day.

I’m not going down, but upward,
And the path is never dim,
For the day grows ever brighter
As I journey on with Him.
So my eyes are on the hilltops,
Waiting for the sun to rise,
Waiting for His invitation
To the home beyond the skies.
--Albert Simpson Reitz, June 1953

Monday & Tuesday Updates

Monday was Tia (Sonya, Mom's sister's) Birthday - Happy Birthday Tia! We brought cupcakes to hospice and sang with Mom there. I know she hears us. We got her to drink more than we have been able to in the past few days so I was encouraged by that. I wish I knew what she was thinking when her eyes are open or when she is dreaming. You can really tell when she dreams. Right now she is sleeping peacefully most of the time.

Tuesday
We have not been able to get Mom to drink anything yet today. She has been sleeping the entire day. I am going to try to see if I can get her to drink shortly. She has not eaten in 9 days.

Just sharing a story from a few days ago... I was in my kitchen at home in the early morning with my daughter Eden who had woken up extra early. She got her morning "moo moo" then stood in the kitchen and said to me across the room, "Ita, Ita." That is the name my Mom chose to be called by her grandchildren. In spanish mammacita means little Mother, the 'ita' is a very endearing analogy so thus she chose "Ita" as her grandmother name. Eden has never said Ita on her own and why would she choose to say it in the morning and do so more clearly than she has ever done so before? My answer is simple. Because her Ita was there with her. More to come later in the day.

The Choir Sisters Visit (updated)

A huge thank you to the AMC choir members that visited Mom today. Although I was not here to hear it, 4 members of Mom's Church (she used to sing with them) came and visited on Sunday afternoon. They sang to her on the side of the bed where her head was turned. It was apparently a very moving and emotional serenade for those who witnessed it. She apparently did realize they were there and acknowledged them in some way. The choir always meant so much to Mom so I am sure it was especially meaningful to her to have them visit.

Thank you to the choir ladies for telling me how Mom reacted. They said her eyes were partially open when they arrived, and she closed them after they started to sing. She acknowledged them Choir Sisters with arm movements, hard blinks, and mouthed words. When they were finished and each had visited with her, she mouthed a thank you...

On the medical side: Saturday & Sunday Mom drank very little on & slept most of both days. She opened her eyes a little bit both days. She has clearly turned another corner. Her feet are still pretty warm and but her hands are swollen (edema). She does not seem to be responsive to us anymore.

She has had many visitors this weekend and family is always constantly with her. I think her time is short and that God needs her more than we do. If she does as much good there as she did here, no wonder He is calling. I wish things were different and I could heal her. I know that she knows how much she is loved.

Jen
whippetdogs@yahoo.com

Today

aMom is sleeping a lot but still drinking and swallowing. Swallowing is a big deal as after you stop eating (which she did 2 weeks ago) they normally feel the swallowing goes soon afterwards. That has not been the case for her. I think she still wants to be here for us and does enjoy (at least in some way) the time we are spending with her.

Before I left earlier, I told her I loved her and was whispering in her ear and a tear dropped from her eye. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. I know she wanted to tell me something but that was the only way she could find to do so.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. -Gilda Radner

Hanging Tough

Mom is hanging tough. No real news to report. Thanks to everyone who continues to read and support my Mom (Ethel) and our family.

Defying the Odds

As I write this I am almost afraid to say the words. "Mom is defying the odds." The Docs told us this today and are amazed she is still going, still drinking/swallowing, still here. She is by no means setting the world on fire, but she is surviving. If you are reading this you know my Mom is a strong woman so this may not surprise you.

The Hospice staff have told several of us that people don't usually spend the time with patients that Mom's family/friends are doing. I think our constant presence, prayers, talking with Mom, letting her know we love her, and just being there for her are helping. Time is the greatest gift we can give her ... And something that I think she knows. She knows we are there for her as she was always there for us.

On a medical note, they have changed her pain meds a bit again but so far it has been a good change for her. It seems to treat her pain better with minimal breakthrough (if any) pain.

Mom said HI to Sonya (her sister) and myself this afternoon. I just about fell over. She also indicated 'un huh' answering a question for us. Her eyes have been open more and I always put her glasses on so she can at least see things better. She never focuses her eyes on you but into the distance.

I realize these are small and momentary victories on the path to the final journey.
We don't remember days we remember moments.

I feel like these are the ones that will count.

No real news to report

Mom is about the same right now. The one new thing today is that her pain meds have been changed a little again too. We'll have to see how that works for her but hopefully it will give her more continuous relief from pain.

I had a friend visit today that Mom had not seen in a while. When she realized who she was a tear came down her face. She is still there and still fighting the good fight.

That's all for now...
Jen

Changes

Today Mom was moved to a different room and a better one at that. It is still shared but it is a bigger space and the main reason for the move was the constant jackhammering outside her room (due to rebuilding sidewalks/walkways). It had been going on for some time and had been very agitating for her and several others. Since the others are no longer there, she was moved to a nicer room. For those that visit she is now in room 6C, back right corner.

On another note, today is the 6th anniversary of my Father's passing from pancreatic cancer. He loved life and was determined to beat the cancer. He would not accept that he was going to die until the last week of his life which involved home Hospice.

Mom is drinking less and it is getting harder to get her to drink anything. She no longer speaks but I can tell when she has pain or at times if she seems thirsty. We make sure she has family with her constantly from morning to evening. Any movement involving her legs seems to be extremely painful likely due to being in bed with little movement for so long.

Please pray for strength and peace for me and all of my family. Thanks to all of you for your support and love.

Saturday & Sunday

No real big changes. Mom is still drinking cranberry juice, water, ensure and anything else we can get her to drink -- but less. She acknowledges our presence if she has not had her pain meds recently as they really knock her out. She seems comfortable except when they move her position every few hours which she does not like as I am sure it is hurts.

When time isn't on our side, all we have is now for the rest of our lives.

Friday

Nothing eventful happened today. Mom is drinking less and sleeping more. She does open her eyes from time to time when she is awake. She does not speak much and it is one word when she does if she can. I hold her hand, talk to her, tell her about things going on and do my best to keep going.

Thankfully, I am fortunate enough with my work to be spending each day with her. I would not trade this time for anything in the world.

Thursday...

Today Mom was more alert in the am opening her eyes for a pat on Sonya and Fred's dog Sheila's fuzzy head. She has had visits of several dogs but cats are not allowed in the Hospice (sorry cat folks). One visit from last week in particular is worth sharing. A therapy dog that is a Golden mix named Bailey came in and that was when Mom was not opening her eyes at all. They had the dog next to the bed and put Mom's hand on Bailey's head and a tear fell down her face.

She knows we are all there for her and I think that is what matters most. She is loved and I know she feels that and knows it in her heart.

Time is a funny thing... there never seems to be enough of it or at least not when you want more of it. I want more time with my Mom, but I want her to be at peace. I am torn between the reality of the two but ultimately I want her to be without pain and from living the way she is now. I want her to be free to follow the path toward her next journey.

Wednesday

Not many changes today. Mom was alert a few times and did make some acknowledgements(s) for yes or no. She is no longer eating, but she is still drinking (cranberry juice, water, OJ, ensure shake).

Her pain is under control right now and she seems comfortable.

Someone close to me recently said,
'we come into this world crying and everyone else is joyful;
we leave this world joyful [to be going someplace better] and everyone else is crying... '

We still have good time with Mom. We love her, talk to her, tell her stories, reminisce, and are there for her. We would do anything for her... our time is precious.

Status Quo

Mom is very thirsty from a change in her break-through pain medicine (we think). So, she enjoys water and fruit juice. No real food to speak of right now but she did drink an ensure and vanilla ice cream shake via straw. She sort of answers some questions as best she can but does not talk and still fighting this horrible cancer. She does NOT like to be moved at all as it is painful for her. I try to be there when they move her as she moans and it is not a pleasant experience. Mom is hanging tough and still fighting this beast of a cancer.

If you would like to learn more about pancreatic cancer and read about the best advocacy group out there visit http://www.pancan.org/ . November is coincidentally pancreatic cancer awareness month and the color of their ribbon awareness is purple. The President of the AMA actually died a few days ago at age 52 of pancreatic cancer. There appear to be more and more cases each year. Early detection and better treatment and a cure have got to be found.

November 17 is the 6th anniversary of my father's death from pancreatic cancer.

Be thankful for each day and remember it is a gift. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Be thankful for all you have and try not to take things for granted. Off my soapbox and headed to bed.

Funny Ethel Story to Share?

I would love it if anyone has a funny/happy/silly story about Mom (Ethel) to share with our family. It is very hard to get by some days and there are so many stories from those that Mom touched that are completely unknown to us. This would bring our family great joy and a smile when both are much needed these days. You can respond to me here via the comments section or email me at whippetdogs@yahoo.com

Thanks for anything you are willing to share.

Take good care,
Jen

Update

Mom will be staying at the Hospice facility... bittersweet news as she is declining more rapidly. She won't eat or drink, her feet are cold, hands swollen, and she seems unresponsive. The nurse did say she was still a little responsive but not opening her eyes... Just know it looks like she will be staying here for her remaining days and not moving to a nursing home. I will update more later.

Mom did drink some water late afternoon and early evening but that is all.

I wish I could give her a little joy in her life but all I can do is to let her know that I love her.

Declining...

I spent last night (Saturday night) with Mom because her breathing was very irregular. She would breathe and there were sometimes 3-4 seconds between breaths. It was very scary so I felt it would be best if I stayed with her last night. I slept next to her in a recliner and kept tabs on her much of the night. At one point I actually thought she had stopped breathing but she kept up her breathing.

Mom did eat some oatmeal this morning, later on some gatorade and water. While she was sort of awake, she had her eyes open so I put on her glasses. I showed her a magazine cover with the new President as she was always interested in the election and was looking forward to the outcome. She was literally asleep the entire day and was awake very little of that time.

They have her on oxygen this evening just to help her breathing as it is shallow again tonight. She is getting about a 90% normal oxygen intake on her own. Giving her the 'pure oxygen' (whatever the medical terms are) will just make it easier for her. The nurse did say she has seen a decline since Friday.

We'll find out tomorrow if she stays at this Hospice facility or moves to a nursing home.

Sometimes I wonder how I will live without my Mom. I just can't imagine what life will be like without her. I am spiritual and know she will always be with me but not being able to call her or see her is something I cannot even fathom right now. I wanted Eden to know her "Ita" (our family's word for grandmother). Sadly, Eden will not have the opportunity to experience and learn all of the love, lessons, and so much more Mom has in her heart and would have shared with her.

Mom (Ethel) is the rock, matriarch, core, and heart and soul of our family. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Quiet Time

Mom sleeps much of the time. Some of us feel Mom was a little better today, some of us the same. She ate less than she has in the last few days. I was not able to get her to eat anything tonight but she ate oat meal this morning, water, and sherbert this morning/afternoon.

Thankfully, working with one of the Hospice aids, we are making sure Mom gets her pain meds 30 minutes prior to them changing her positioning in bed. Moving her in bed to keep pressure sores from occuring has been very painful the past few days. I am so glad that that pain has been relieved. She definitely sleeps most of the time with moments of coming in and out. She still knows who people are that come to visit her and makes small acknowledgements for some questions and conversations posed to her.

No great changes right now... just trying to get by each day and put one foot in front of the other.

Small Happy Moment Today

Mom slightly opened her eyes today twice, about 1/3 of the way. She knew it was me there, then again she opened her eyes for Jim. This would have been the 4th day without her opening her eyes so this was huge for me today. She got to see me again and know that she was not only hearing but seeing. She also said good morning to her friend Eleanor. This means she is still with us somewhat and has not totally lost touch with us here.

She has swelling in her hands right now but seems on an even keel. This is not good but we propper her hands up on pillows to try to help. Unfortunately, this is just part of the process she is going through -- one that we will all ultimately face.

In terms of Mom's future at this Hospice facility, if Mom is still eating food on Monday morning, then we will be 'booted' from this facility. We have a nursing home lined up where she will go. We will likely hire an aid for the evenings, then have shifts during the day with family and friends to be with her. I feel torn as I hope she can stay at this facility but at the same time I know that in order to stay, she has to decline even more. Hard to wish for either... all I wish for is peace and no pain for her. I love her so much.

That's all for now...

The Docs are still tweaking Mom's pain meds (fentanol patch and some type of oxy drug for breakthrough pain). This is the 3rd day she has not opened her eyes. I tried very hard today to talk her into opening them to look at a photo and to just let us see those beautiful turquoise pools of her eyes to no avail. She ate a little this morning and evening and still is drinking, but very small amounts of food. She does love her raspberry sherbert and oatmeal.

Mom still understands and responds sometimes to things. She can indicate yes or no sometimes verbally, sometimes shaking her head.

She was peaceful when she had her last visitors late this evening. All we can hope for is that she will continue to be peaceful and comfortable.

I went to visit Jim at home this evening. It was the first time I had been in the house since Mom was taken to Hospice. I knew it would be hard... and it was. It is so empty. The cats really miss her and having more people around and just flock to Jim constantly wanting love and attention. Jim has always been so loving and attentive to them but they know that part of their family is no longer there.

I'll end with a quote my Mom has posted at home that says, "Be the cause of wonderful things."

Staying Put in Hospice... for Now

Fred and Sonya (brother in law and sister to Ethel), Jim (hubby) and I went to tour several skilled nursing and nursing home facilities today. We found a place to take Mom but were all very depressed that we were going to have to make a change. She is peaceful and comfortable where she is and is getting wonderful care.

Well, I think God gave us a break today. He heard my prayers and those of all of you. If ever I felt like jumping up and down with joy (if I wasn't so sad) today was the day. Jim and I met with the social worker later in the day today and she said since the Docs had changed Mom's pain meds again and due to other health issues, Mom can stay until Monday. We are hoping further than that if it is possible.

Mom does not talk much and has not opened her eyes in 2 days. She does respond sometimes with short answers and does know what is going on around her some of the time. She still giggles over things she thinks are funny but she sleeps most of the time. Our time together is precious.

Thank you for your visits and all your kind thoughts and prayers.

Life goes on and another day passes.

Moving

We had a set-back today... Mom is stable for now on pain meds and although she continues to decline, because her pain has now been "managed" due to the care here, we have to find another place for Mom to reside. Insurance and Medicare regulations won't permit us to stay later than the end of the week. So, we are looking into other skilled nursing/nursing home facilities that will take care of Mom. We think that she requires too much care at this point to go home even with the help of an aid. So, tomorrow we will begin to visit facilities and figure out where we go from here.

To say it was a disappointing and frustrating day would be putting it mildly.

Sometimes life sucks. This is one of those times.

Monday

Mom is hanging in there but still not doing well. She ate some oatmeal, raspberry sherbert, gatorade, and water today. At least it is something. For the most part her pain is being controlled except when Hospice does not get her pain meds to her on time [insert *extreme* anger here].

She is peaceful and sleeps a lot... she is very tired and is ready when her time comes. Our family all tries to be there as much as we can to hold her hand, stroke her head and hair, talk to her, and give her any comfort that we can. Our love for Mom (Ethel) will be never ending but that doesn't change the fact that I know she is going to leave us soon and although she will be going to a better place I don't know how I am going to live without her.

One of the pastors from her church came today and her retired pastor Reed Brown is coming tomorrow. It will be good for her to see him and talk with him if she can. She will probably mostly just listen and be.

We have a family meeting with Hospice tomorrow at 1:00 where we will learn more about Mom's length of stay there. She may or may not be permitted to stay depending on her condition but we are thinking she will be allowed to stay, sadly due to her decline. She is steady now but not well.

Please continue with your calls, questions, any efforts of support are so appreciated by all of us. We will be there for her always... and that love is unending.

Mom likes this quote so I thought I would share it with you:

Time is...

Too Slow for those who Wait

Too Swift for those who Fear

Too Long for those who Grieve

Too Short for those who Rejoice

But for those who Love

Time is eternity.

--Henry Van Dyke

Update

Mom (Ethel's) decline in the last month, even the last 10 days has been significant. Her cancer is progressing much faster than anyone anticipated. After meeting with our Hospice team and Drs we now know that her time with us is likely coming to an end very soon. I never thought I could write much less say that this is the case. She is tired and she is ready to go on her next journey and wherever that will take her.

For anyone who is reading this know that I am sure she touched each of you in the special way that she has with people. Mom (Ethel) is a person that I feel lucky to call my Mom. She is so much to so many but what is so 'unique' about her is that she has such a kind and generous heart. She has a hopeful heart.

Our family appreciates all your kind wishes and thoughts at this time... the sun shines through Mom's windows each day with the promise of a new day. I hope that God gives her the peace and comfort she is hoping to find. Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers.

Ups & Downs

The last few days have been full of challenges. Hard transition... sad place... sad situation... but I think hope may have turned a corner today. Mom was more alert and with it than she has been since she entered Hospice. She has been sleeping almost since she arrived and very dosed up from the meds. They are working on her meds and they seem to be getting a better handle on the pain. Other health challenges involve things that are better left unsaid. She does like her fancy and very comfy bed.

Mom has a beautiful plant with gorgeous yellow flowers sitting on the window next to her bed. She actually can keep the flowers and not have to give them away. Mom and Jim always have to give away flowers as the cats will eat them (go figure).

Suffice that today I felt better saying goodnight than I have since my dear Mom went to the Hospice facility. I don't know what the future holds and it will likely be the hardest thing I will ever deal with thus far in my life -- but tonight I have a hopeful heart -- and that means something.

A Big Day...

Today was a very big day... 4 Hospice people came over to Mom and Jim's house and after much consideration with the Drs, nursing staff, etc, it was decided to move Mom to a temporary Hospice facility in Falls Church/Arlington area. This is only temporary and the purpose is to monitor her pain and try to control it. They will have the Drs and nurses working with her and watching her diet and all that she is doing, reviewing all her medications, and hopefully find something to STOP her pain. She will be there for approx 4-6 days.

The ambulance came to pick Mom up about 4:30 and they took her down the stairs in a mobile chair then put her on the stretcher and took her away. I spoke to the attending nurse this evening and she was sleeping. Prior to her leaving she did not want to talk to any family members and she was so uncomfortable she just wanted to be left alone. This is not like my Mom. We have always been a very affectionate family... this gives you an idea of how uncomfortable she was this afternoon. It was very hard to see her leave even though I know she will be coming home again.

Please continue to keep Mom and our family in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you to everyone for all the kindness you have shown our family and continue to help in so many ways.
Hugs,
Jen

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

This is a question I have really been struggling with in relation to my Mom getting pancreatic cancer (PC). I have also struggled with why God lets such bad things happen to such good people. I have read Harold Kushner’s book on the subject but I think an email that I recently saw on the Johns Hopkins Pancreatic Cancer List serv http://pathology.jhu.edu/pancreas_chat much better conveys what has helped me to personally answer this question.

This begins the answer from an anonymous poster from the Hopkins list serv:
Because God does not concern himself/herself with what goes on here on earth he does not control the good and the bad things that go on. If we are indeed immortal souls, and are here to learn, grow, or experience Who We Are, then what happens here is pretty much a temporary thing.

And, if we are truly immortal, then what happens here is much like a child skinning their knee. Yes, it hurts, but like any parent, God would pat us on the head, kiss us on the check, then tell you to get up and go on….

And, like any child, we would wipe away our tears, put on a smile, and go do it again… This life and the lives before and after could be nothing more than us experiencing ourselves learning, loving, laughing, and yes, crying, and hurting. But is it not all temporary? Instead of looking to God to lead you in everything, consider thinking of yourself as part of God, and in that, need nothing, as you already have all you need. You simply need to look inward to find it – or anywhere that knowledge may happen to be for you.

Live in the moment, let death be whatever death is, and enjoy the moment of life you have. Worry about the afterlife when you get there, experience Who You Are right now. Death and the afterlife can take care of themselves in due time.

Be you Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, whatever… we are all part of something, else, whatever you conceive that to be.

Time...

Things are hard these days... Mom is in a lot of pain. Nothing seems to help much. She does appreciate the cards that people send and the memory book that her friends put together. I always read the cards and letters to Mom (Ethel) and they make her smile. She is tired but is trying to put up a good fight.

This is a very hard time for our family. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Where there is life there is hope...

Take good care--
Jennifer

Day Two... things are looking up

Two very nice women from Hospice came to visit all of us at Mom and Jim's house. Brian, Fred and Sonya also attended. The nurse and social worker went over many of the programs and services available from Hospice. And, many that are not. Mom seemed upset about having to decide about a DNR. We told her not to worry about it and if she didn't want a DNR she did not have to have one. Clare is the social worker and Patty is the nurse practitioner that will be seeing Mom weekly. We also arranged for her to be bathed 3x per week by a nurse's aid. I'm so happy about this so that she will be taken care of by someone who knows what to do in terms of safety and clenliness. Thank goodness!

These meetings always seem hard for me but I do the best that I can do. I can't be that dry eyed "UP" person all the time when I am dealing with this. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. I love my Mother beyond words. My next entry will be more about her and the person she is... thanks for reading and for caring.

A New Day

Today was our first meeting with Hospice. Two very nice RNs met at Mom and Jim's house this morning at 9:00am. All of us were there... Brian, myself, Fred and Sonya (Tio and Tia to me). After learning more about all the things that Hospice has to offer... Mom made the decision to enroll. I think she was relieved. She was looking forward to the visit and is hopeful that some relief can be found for her pain.

I am hopeful that this will mean a new day for her will come where she can have some relief from her pain. She has endured pain since her whipple surgery on 1/4/07. I will never understand why Mom got this damn cancer... she did everything right. She ate well, exercised, was active and had more energy that I could ever hope to have. My hope for her is peace and comfort.

I will always have hope. But that doesn't change the fact that pancreatic cancer sucks. Period.