6:30 pm Update

Mom is still with us but not doing well at all. She has all the signs her body is failing. I won't go into it but I will say she is comfortable.

I am wondering what she is waiting for? From everything I have read people leave when they are ready, on their own time. We've all told her we will be okay and that she can go. Honestly, I think the reason she is still here is that she doesn't want to leave her family.

That's all for now.... I am headed back to Hospice after I get Eden to bed.

Thank you to everyone who wished Mom a Happy Birthday!

Mom's Special Day...

11:56 pm
Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes via email, mail, family, and more. I just left and Mom is still with us but she had a very rough day. We almost lost her this afternoon but I think there were too many people there and she wants to be alone. There was so much commotion and I felt like she wanted peace and it was not peaceful.

I left her tonight and told her the angels were calling her. I know it was the right thing to do not to stay with her. Some people want to just be alone and I feel this is what she wants.

I am tired and sad. I am hopeful for Mom's sake she will go home... it is her time I think. But she will decide when.

Hope & Mom's Birthday

I still have hope. I hope Mom will not be suffering. I hope our family will be okay after Mom passes. I hope I will be able to survive without her. I hope we all get along. I hope about a lot every day.

Mom's (Ethel's) life is in her hands now on her terms. Tomorrow, Saturday, November 29th, is Mom's 72nd Birthday. She made it. We never dreamed she would. She surprised us all but is that really that surprising knowing my Mom?

Now it is her turn to decide when she is ready to leave. I keep looking for a sign, something in her eyes, a feeling, a look, anything, so that I will know when. That is not my decision to make as it is something she has total control over. She will be with whoever she chooses when she does decide it is her time to cross over. She has had so little control over her disease, her pain, and so much more and finally -- she can choose. She chose how she lived and now she must choose how she will leave us.

The major lesson for the living to learn from people facing the end of life is how growth can come through loss. Those who open up to these crises have much to teach.
People living with a life-threatening illness can encourage others to recognize their own priorities; to care about how they relate to others; to use time wisely; to say the simple words of apology and thanks and goodbye; to be honest about anger, protest, and negative feelings; and to recognize the releasing and positive elements of these feelings. Relationships may be healed, anger and resentments laid aside, and sources of meaning discovered together with a new sense of self. Those who are dying can teach others to hold on to hope and to cherish relaxation and creativity.

Wish Mom a happy birthday tomorrow whether in spirit or by emailing me at whippetdogs@yahoo.com and I will print out all the messages to her and read them.

Mom is Stable for Now

Well, Mom is continuing to amaze all of us. She is better than last night. That is not to say things are good by any means. She is continuing to hold on. She no longer drinks anything and is still swallowing but we can't take the chance of any fluid getting stuck in her throat. She is such a strong willed person and she is holding on. Her birthday is this Saturday, November 29, and she will be 72 years young.

I can't even begin to express what this time with her means to me.

The Final Journey

I don't even know what to say... she is failing. She can not longer swallow and has begun what is referred to as the death gurgle. When you have saliva or fluid that is stuck in your throat and you cannot clear it it means you cannot or cannot almost swallow. She can no longer lift her limbs and seems barely able to hold her eyes open. This is all part of the process of dying... I know what I have read in Final Gifts, Final Journey's, and many other Final books I have devoured.

They told us it could be tonight but not likely. Her temperature came down from 100, her hands look beautiful and are not swollen at all nor are her feet. I gave her a gorgeous manicure sans polish today then rubbed lotion on her hands. I could tell she loved it. Since she was so warm the Doc said that the fever actually "ate up" the edema in her hands. Funny how the body works, pretty damn amazing actually. Her breathing worries me, yes the sound, but also the depths of it.

I had to come home this evening. The 2 times I have stayed there I have been a mess the next day (exhausted and napping all day). I will be there tomorrow morning and hopefully things will be okay.

Prayers for the Dying:
Overcoming the Fear
Are you intimidated to offer prayers for the dying? Death is close at hand and you are there to bring comfort. Can you do it? Do you know how? The very fear you have and the grief you feel is also in the heart and mind of the one who is facing death. Don’t fight that, but embrace it and share it. Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” As you mourn with someone who is dying or with someone who’s experiencing the death of someone close to them -- you give them comfort, you uplift, you are blessed because you are blessing someone else, and you too will experience comfort.

That is all for now--I have no doubt that all of us here give me great comfort and I hope each other too.

Transition Time (Tues pm)

Mom is not doing well. She refused any liquids today. She opens her eyes but they are not focused on anything. I always put her glasses on if she opens her eyes even the smallest bit. If she is going to have them open I want her to be able to see. I talked to her for a long time and I felt like she knew what I was saying.

I took a late nap in her bed with her curled up opposite her rubbing her leg. Today was a hard day. Life is very sad these days. My Mom always said, this too shall pass, about hard times. But this is her life, it is different.

I am thankful that I have had Mom for as long as I have... but I am not thankful that she is leaving. My heart is slowly breaking and I will never be the same. Nothing is normal anymore. I don't even know what normal is.

Looking for the Sunrise
I’m not looking for the sunset,
As the swift years come and go;
I am looking for the sunrise,
And the golden morning glow,
Where the light of heaven’s glory
Will break forth upon my sight,
In the land that knows no sunset,
Nor the darkness of the night.

I’m not going down the pathway
Toward the setting of the sun,
Where the shadows ever deepen
When the day at last is done;
I am walking up the hillside
Where the sunshine lights the way,
To the glory of the sunrise
Of God’s never-ending day.

I’m not going down, but upward,
And the path is never dim,
For the day grows ever brighter
As I journey on with Him.
So my eyes are on the hilltops,
Waiting for the sun to rise,
Waiting for His invitation
To the home beyond the skies.
--Albert Simpson Reitz, June 1953

Monday & Tuesday Updates

Monday was Tia (Sonya, Mom's sister's) Birthday - Happy Birthday Tia! We brought cupcakes to hospice and sang with Mom there. I know she hears us. We got her to drink more than we have been able to in the past few days so I was encouraged by that. I wish I knew what she was thinking when her eyes are open or when she is dreaming. You can really tell when she dreams. Right now she is sleeping peacefully most of the time.

Tuesday
We have not been able to get Mom to drink anything yet today. She has been sleeping the entire day. I am going to try to see if I can get her to drink shortly. She has not eaten in 9 days.

Just sharing a story from a few days ago... I was in my kitchen at home in the early morning with my daughter Eden who had woken up extra early. She got her morning "moo moo" then stood in the kitchen and said to me across the room, "Ita, Ita." That is the name my Mom chose to be called by her grandchildren. In spanish mammacita means little Mother, the 'ita' is a very endearing analogy so thus she chose "Ita" as her grandmother name. Eden has never said Ita on her own and why would she choose to say it in the morning and do so more clearly than she has ever done so before? My answer is simple. Because her Ita was there with her. More to come later in the day.

The Choir Sisters Visit (updated)

A huge thank you to the AMC choir members that visited Mom today. Although I was not here to hear it, 4 members of Mom's Church (she used to sing with them) came and visited on Sunday afternoon. They sang to her on the side of the bed where her head was turned. It was apparently a very moving and emotional serenade for those who witnessed it. She apparently did realize they were there and acknowledged them in some way. The choir always meant so much to Mom so I am sure it was especially meaningful to her to have them visit.

Thank you to the choir ladies for telling me how Mom reacted. They said her eyes were partially open when they arrived, and she closed them after they started to sing. She acknowledged them Choir Sisters with arm movements, hard blinks, and mouthed words. When they were finished and each had visited with her, she mouthed a thank you...

On the medical side: Saturday & Sunday Mom drank very little on & slept most of both days. She opened her eyes a little bit both days. She has clearly turned another corner. Her feet are still pretty warm and but her hands are swollen (edema). She does not seem to be responsive to us anymore.

She has had many visitors this weekend and family is always constantly with her. I think her time is short and that God needs her more than we do. If she does as much good there as she did here, no wonder He is calling. I wish things were different and I could heal her. I know that she knows how much she is loved.

Jen
whippetdogs@yahoo.com

Today

aMom is sleeping a lot but still drinking and swallowing. Swallowing is a big deal as after you stop eating (which she did 2 weeks ago) they normally feel the swallowing goes soon afterwards. That has not been the case for her. I think she still wants to be here for us and does enjoy (at least in some way) the time we are spending with her.

Before I left earlier, I told her I loved her and was whispering in her ear and a tear dropped from her eye. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. I know she wanted to tell me something but that was the only way she could find to do so.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. -Gilda Radner

Hanging Tough

Mom is hanging tough. No real news to report. Thanks to everyone who continues to read and support my Mom (Ethel) and our family.

Defying the Odds

As I write this I am almost afraid to say the words. "Mom is defying the odds." The Docs told us this today and are amazed she is still going, still drinking/swallowing, still here. She is by no means setting the world on fire, but she is surviving. If you are reading this you know my Mom is a strong woman so this may not surprise you.

The Hospice staff have told several of us that people don't usually spend the time with patients that Mom's family/friends are doing. I think our constant presence, prayers, talking with Mom, letting her know we love her, and just being there for her are helping. Time is the greatest gift we can give her ... And something that I think she knows. She knows we are there for her as she was always there for us.

On a medical note, they have changed her pain meds a bit again but so far it has been a good change for her. It seems to treat her pain better with minimal breakthrough (if any) pain.

Mom said HI to Sonya (her sister) and myself this afternoon. I just about fell over. She also indicated 'un huh' answering a question for us. Her eyes have been open more and I always put her glasses on so she can at least see things better. She never focuses her eyes on you but into the distance.

I realize these are small and momentary victories on the path to the final journey.
We don't remember days we remember moments.

I feel like these are the ones that will count.

No real news to report

Mom is about the same right now. The one new thing today is that her pain meds have been changed a little again too. We'll have to see how that works for her but hopefully it will give her more continuous relief from pain.

I had a friend visit today that Mom had not seen in a while. When she realized who she was a tear came down her face. She is still there and still fighting the good fight.

That's all for now...
Jen

Changes

Today Mom was moved to a different room and a better one at that. It is still shared but it is a bigger space and the main reason for the move was the constant jackhammering outside her room (due to rebuilding sidewalks/walkways). It had been going on for some time and had been very agitating for her and several others. Since the others are no longer there, she was moved to a nicer room. For those that visit she is now in room 6C, back right corner.

On another note, today is the 6th anniversary of my Father's passing from pancreatic cancer. He loved life and was determined to beat the cancer. He would not accept that he was going to die until the last week of his life which involved home Hospice.

Mom is drinking less and it is getting harder to get her to drink anything. She no longer speaks but I can tell when she has pain or at times if she seems thirsty. We make sure she has family with her constantly from morning to evening. Any movement involving her legs seems to be extremely painful likely due to being in bed with little movement for so long.

Please pray for strength and peace for me and all of my family. Thanks to all of you for your support and love.

Saturday & Sunday

No real big changes. Mom is still drinking cranberry juice, water, ensure and anything else we can get her to drink -- but less. She acknowledges our presence if she has not had her pain meds recently as they really knock her out. She seems comfortable except when they move her position every few hours which she does not like as I am sure it is hurts.

When time isn't on our side, all we have is now for the rest of our lives.

Friday

Nothing eventful happened today. Mom is drinking less and sleeping more. She does open her eyes from time to time when she is awake. She does not speak much and it is one word when she does if she can. I hold her hand, talk to her, tell her about things going on and do my best to keep going.

Thankfully, I am fortunate enough with my work to be spending each day with her. I would not trade this time for anything in the world.

Thursday...

Today Mom was more alert in the am opening her eyes for a pat on Sonya and Fred's dog Sheila's fuzzy head. She has had visits of several dogs but cats are not allowed in the Hospice (sorry cat folks). One visit from last week in particular is worth sharing. A therapy dog that is a Golden mix named Bailey came in and that was when Mom was not opening her eyes at all. They had the dog next to the bed and put Mom's hand on Bailey's head and a tear fell down her face.

She knows we are all there for her and I think that is what matters most. She is loved and I know she feels that and knows it in her heart.

Time is a funny thing... there never seems to be enough of it or at least not when you want more of it. I want more time with my Mom, but I want her to be at peace. I am torn between the reality of the two but ultimately I want her to be without pain and from living the way she is now. I want her to be free to follow the path toward her next journey.

Wednesday

Not many changes today. Mom was alert a few times and did make some acknowledgements(s) for yes or no. She is no longer eating, but she is still drinking (cranberry juice, water, OJ, ensure shake).

Her pain is under control right now and she seems comfortable.

Someone close to me recently said,
'we come into this world crying and everyone else is joyful;
we leave this world joyful [to be going someplace better] and everyone else is crying... '

We still have good time with Mom. We love her, talk to her, tell her stories, reminisce, and are there for her. We would do anything for her... our time is precious.

Status Quo

Mom is very thirsty from a change in her break-through pain medicine (we think). So, she enjoys water and fruit juice. No real food to speak of right now but she did drink an ensure and vanilla ice cream shake via straw. She sort of answers some questions as best she can but does not talk and still fighting this horrible cancer. She does NOT like to be moved at all as it is painful for her. I try to be there when they move her as she moans and it is not a pleasant experience. Mom is hanging tough and still fighting this beast of a cancer.

If you would like to learn more about pancreatic cancer and read about the best advocacy group out there visit http://www.pancan.org/ . November is coincidentally pancreatic cancer awareness month and the color of their ribbon awareness is purple. The President of the AMA actually died a few days ago at age 52 of pancreatic cancer. There appear to be more and more cases each year. Early detection and better treatment and a cure have got to be found.

November 17 is the 6th anniversary of my father's death from pancreatic cancer.

Be thankful for each day and remember it is a gift. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Be thankful for all you have and try not to take things for granted. Off my soapbox and headed to bed.

Funny Ethel Story to Share?

I would love it if anyone has a funny/happy/silly story about Mom (Ethel) to share with our family. It is very hard to get by some days and there are so many stories from those that Mom touched that are completely unknown to us. This would bring our family great joy and a smile when both are much needed these days. You can respond to me here via the comments section or email me at whippetdogs@yahoo.com

Thanks for anything you are willing to share.

Take good care,
Jen

Update

Mom will be staying at the Hospice facility... bittersweet news as she is declining more rapidly. She won't eat or drink, her feet are cold, hands swollen, and she seems unresponsive. The nurse did say she was still a little responsive but not opening her eyes... Just know it looks like she will be staying here for her remaining days and not moving to a nursing home. I will update more later.

Mom did drink some water late afternoon and early evening but that is all.

I wish I could give her a little joy in her life but all I can do is to let her know that I love her.

Declining...

I spent last night (Saturday night) with Mom because her breathing was very irregular. She would breathe and there were sometimes 3-4 seconds between breaths. It was very scary so I felt it would be best if I stayed with her last night. I slept next to her in a recliner and kept tabs on her much of the night. At one point I actually thought she had stopped breathing but she kept up her breathing.

Mom did eat some oatmeal this morning, later on some gatorade and water. While she was sort of awake, she had her eyes open so I put on her glasses. I showed her a magazine cover with the new President as she was always interested in the election and was looking forward to the outcome. She was literally asleep the entire day and was awake very little of that time.

They have her on oxygen this evening just to help her breathing as it is shallow again tonight. She is getting about a 90% normal oxygen intake on her own. Giving her the 'pure oxygen' (whatever the medical terms are) will just make it easier for her. The nurse did say she has seen a decline since Friday.

We'll find out tomorrow if she stays at this Hospice facility or moves to a nursing home.

Sometimes I wonder how I will live without my Mom. I just can't imagine what life will be like without her. I am spiritual and know she will always be with me but not being able to call her or see her is something I cannot even fathom right now. I wanted Eden to know her "Ita" (our family's word for grandmother). Sadly, Eden will not have the opportunity to experience and learn all of the love, lessons, and so much more Mom has in her heart and would have shared with her.

Mom (Ethel) is the rock, matriarch, core, and heart and soul of our family. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Quiet Time

Mom sleeps much of the time. Some of us feel Mom was a little better today, some of us the same. She ate less than she has in the last few days. I was not able to get her to eat anything tonight but she ate oat meal this morning, water, and sherbert this morning/afternoon.

Thankfully, working with one of the Hospice aids, we are making sure Mom gets her pain meds 30 minutes prior to them changing her positioning in bed. Moving her in bed to keep pressure sores from occuring has been very painful the past few days. I am so glad that that pain has been relieved. She definitely sleeps most of the time with moments of coming in and out. She still knows who people are that come to visit her and makes small acknowledgements for some questions and conversations posed to her.

No great changes right now... just trying to get by each day and put one foot in front of the other.

Small Happy Moment Today

Mom slightly opened her eyes today twice, about 1/3 of the way. She knew it was me there, then again she opened her eyes for Jim. This would have been the 4th day without her opening her eyes so this was huge for me today. She got to see me again and know that she was not only hearing but seeing. She also said good morning to her friend Eleanor. This means she is still with us somewhat and has not totally lost touch with us here.

She has swelling in her hands right now but seems on an even keel. This is not good but we propper her hands up on pillows to try to help. Unfortunately, this is just part of the process she is going through -- one that we will all ultimately face.

In terms of Mom's future at this Hospice facility, if Mom is still eating food on Monday morning, then we will be 'booted' from this facility. We have a nursing home lined up where she will go. We will likely hire an aid for the evenings, then have shifts during the day with family and friends to be with her. I feel torn as I hope she can stay at this facility but at the same time I know that in order to stay, she has to decline even more. Hard to wish for either... all I wish for is peace and no pain for her. I love her so much.

That's all for now...

The Docs are still tweaking Mom's pain meds (fentanol patch and some type of oxy drug for breakthrough pain). This is the 3rd day she has not opened her eyes. I tried very hard today to talk her into opening them to look at a photo and to just let us see those beautiful turquoise pools of her eyes to no avail. She ate a little this morning and evening and still is drinking, but very small amounts of food. She does love her raspberry sherbert and oatmeal.

Mom still understands and responds sometimes to things. She can indicate yes or no sometimes verbally, sometimes shaking her head.

She was peaceful when she had her last visitors late this evening. All we can hope for is that she will continue to be peaceful and comfortable.

I went to visit Jim at home this evening. It was the first time I had been in the house since Mom was taken to Hospice. I knew it would be hard... and it was. It is so empty. The cats really miss her and having more people around and just flock to Jim constantly wanting love and attention. Jim has always been so loving and attentive to them but they know that part of their family is no longer there.

I'll end with a quote my Mom has posted at home that says, "Be the cause of wonderful things."

Staying Put in Hospice... for Now

Fred and Sonya (brother in law and sister to Ethel), Jim (hubby) and I went to tour several skilled nursing and nursing home facilities today. We found a place to take Mom but were all very depressed that we were going to have to make a change. She is peaceful and comfortable where she is and is getting wonderful care.

Well, I think God gave us a break today. He heard my prayers and those of all of you. If ever I felt like jumping up and down with joy (if I wasn't so sad) today was the day. Jim and I met with the social worker later in the day today and she said since the Docs had changed Mom's pain meds again and due to other health issues, Mom can stay until Monday. We are hoping further than that if it is possible.

Mom does not talk much and has not opened her eyes in 2 days. She does respond sometimes with short answers and does know what is going on around her some of the time. She still giggles over things she thinks are funny but she sleeps most of the time. Our time together is precious.

Thank you for your visits and all your kind thoughts and prayers.

Life goes on and another day passes.

Moving

We had a set-back today... Mom is stable for now on pain meds and although she continues to decline, because her pain has now been "managed" due to the care here, we have to find another place for Mom to reside. Insurance and Medicare regulations won't permit us to stay later than the end of the week. So, we are looking into other skilled nursing/nursing home facilities that will take care of Mom. We think that she requires too much care at this point to go home even with the help of an aid. So, tomorrow we will begin to visit facilities and figure out where we go from here.

To say it was a disappointing and frustrating day would be putting it mildly.

Sometimes life sucks. This is one of those times.

Monday

Mom is hanging in there but still not doing well. She ate some oatmeal, raspberry sherbert, gatorade, and water today. At least it is something. For the most part her pain is being controlled except when Hospice does not get her pain meds to her on time [insert *extreme* anger here].

She is peaceful and sleeps a lot... she is very tired and is ready when her time comes. Our family all tries to be there as much as we can to hold her hand, stroke her head and hair, talk to her, and give her any comfort that we can. Our love for Mom (Ethel) will be never ending but that doesn't change the fact that I know she is going to leave us soon and although she will be going to a better place I don't know how I am going to live without her.

One of the pastors from her church came today and her retired pastor Reed Brown is coming tomorrow. It will be good for her to see him and talk with him if she can. She will probably mostly just listen and be.

We have a family meeting with Hospice tomorrow at 1:00 where we will learn more about Mom's length of stay there. She may or may not be permitted to stay depending on her condition but we are thinking she will be allowed to stay, sadly due to her decline. She is steady now but not well.

Please continue with your calls, questions, any efforts of support are so appreciated by all of us. We will be there for her always... and that love is unending.

Mom likes this quote so I thought I would share it with you:

Time is...

Too Slow for those who Wait

Too Swift for those who Fear

Too Long for those who Grieve

Too Short for those who Rejoice

But for those who Love

Time is eternity.

--Henry Van Dyke