Mom is still with us but not doing well at all. She has all the signs her body is failing. I won't go into it but I will say she is comfortable.
I am wondering what she is waiting for? From everything I have read people leave when they are ready, on their own time. We've all told her we will be okay and that she can go. Honestly, I think the reason she is still here is that she doesn't want to leave her family.
That's all for now.... I am headed back to Hospice after I get Eden to bed.
Thank you to everyone who wished Mom a Happy Birthday!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Mom's Special Day...
11:56 pm
Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes via email, mail, family, and more. I just left and Mom is still with us but she had a very rough day. We almost lost her this afternoon but I think there were too many people there and she wants to be alone. There was so much commotion and I felt like she wanted peace and it was not peaceful.
I left her tonight and told her the angels were calling her. I know it was the right thing to do not to stay with her. Some people want to just be alone and I feel this is what she wants.
I am tired and sad. I am hopeful for Mom's sake she will go home... it is her time I think. But she will decide when.
Thank you to everyone who sent good wishes via email, mail, family, and more. I just left and Mom is still with us but she had a very rough day. We almost lost her this afternoon but I think there were too many people there and she wants to be alone. There was so much commotion and I felt like she wanted peace and it was not peaceful.
I left her tonight and told her the angels were calling her. I know it was the right thing to do not to stay with her. Some people want to just be alone and I feel this is what she wants.
I am tired and sad. I am hopeful for Mom's sake she will go home... it is her time I think. But she will decide when.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Hope & Mom's Birthday
I still have hope. I hope Mom will not be suffering. I hope our family will be okay after Mom passes. I hope I will be able to survive without her. I hope we all get along. I hope about a lot every day.
Mom's (Ethel's) life is in her hands now on her terms. Tomorrow, Saturday, November 29th, is Mom's 72nd Birthday. She made it. We never dreamed she would. She surprised us all but is that really that surprising knowing my Mom?
Now it is her turn to decide when she is ready to leave. I keep looking for a sign, something in her eyes, a feeling, a look, anything, so that I will know when. That is not my decision to make as it is something she has total control over. She will be with whoever she chooses when she does decide it is her time to cross over. She has had so little control over her disease, her pain, and so much more and finally -- she can choose. She chose how she lived and now she must choose how she will leave us.
The major lesson for the living to learn from people facing the end of life is how growth can come through loss. Those who open up to these crises have much to teach.
People living with a life-threatening illness can encourage others to recognize their own priorities; to care about how they relate to others; to use time wisely; to say the simple words of apology and thanks and goodbye; to be honest about anger, protest, and negative feelings; and to recognize the releasing and positive elements of these feelings. Relationships may be healed, anger and resentments laid aside, and sources of meaning discovered together with a new sense of self. Those who are dying can teach others to hold on to hope and to cherish relaxation and creativity.
Wish Mom a happy birthday tomorrow whether in spirit or by emailing me at whippetdogs@yahoo.com and I will print out all the messages to her and read them.
Mom's (Ethel's) life is in her hands now on her terms. Tomorrow, Saturday, November 29th, is Mom's 72nd Birthday. She made it. We never dreamed she would. She surprised us all but is that really that surprising knowing my Mom?
Now it is her turn to decide when she is ready to leave. I keep looking for a sign, something in her eyes, a feeling, a look, anything, so that I will know when. That is not my decision to make as it is something she has total control over. She will be with whoever she chooses when she does decide it is her time to cross over. She has had so little control over her disease, her pain, and so much more and finally -- she can choose. She chose how she lived and now she must choose how she will leave us.
The major lesson for the living to learn from people facing the end of life is how growth can come through loss. Those who open up to these crises have much to teach.
People living with a life-threatening illness can encourage others to recognize their own priorities; to care about how they relate to others; to use time wisely; to say the simple words of apology and thanks and goodbye; to be honest about anger, protest, and negative feelings; and to recognize the releasing and positive elements of these feelings. Relationships may be healed, anger and resentments laid aside, and sources of meaning discovered together with a new sense of self. Those who are dying can teach others to hold on to hope and to cherish relaxation and creativity.
Wish Mom a happy birthday tomorrow whether in spirit or by emailing me at whippetdogs@yahoo.com and I will print out all the messages to her and read them.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Mom is Stable for Now
Well, Mom is continuing to amaze all of us. She is better than last night. That is not to say things are good by any means. She is continuing to hold on. She no longer drinks anything and is still swallowing but we can't take the chance of any fluid getting stuck in her throat. She is such a strong willed person and she is holding on. Her birthday is this Saturday, November 29, and she will be 72 years young.
I can't even begin to express what this time with her means to me.
I can't even begin to express what this time with her means to me.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Final Journey
I don't even know what to say... she is failing. She can not longer swallow and has begun what is referred to as the death gurgle. When you have saliva or fluid that is stuck in your throat and you cannot clear it it means you cannot or cannot almost swallow. She can no longer lift her limbs and seems barely able to hold her eyes open. This is all part of the process of dying... I know what I have read in Final Gifts, Final Journey's, and many other Final books I have devoured.
They told us it could be tonight but not likely. Her temperature came down from 100, her hands look beautiful and are not swollen at all nor are her feet. I gave her a gorgeous manicure sans polish today then rubbed lotion on her hands. I could tell she loved it. Since she was so warm the Doc said that the fever actually "ate up" the edema in her hands. Funny how the body works, pretty damn amazing actually. Her breathing worries me, yes the sound, but also the depths of it.
I had to come home this evening. The 2 times I have stayed there I have been a mess the next day (exhausted and napping all day). I will be there tomorrow morning and hopefully things will be okay.
Prayers for the Dying:
Overcoming the Fear
Are you intimidated to offer prayers for the dying? Death is close at hand and you are there to bring comfort. Can you do it? Do you know how? The very fear you have and the grief you feel is also in the heart and mind of the one who is facing death. Don’t fight that, but embrace it and share it. Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” As you mourn with someone who is dying or with someone who’s experiencing the death of someone close to them -- you give them comfort, you uplift, you are blessed because you are blessing someone else, and you too will experience comfort.
That is all for now--I have no doubt that all of us here give me great comfort and I hope each other too.
They told us it could be tonight but not likely. Her temperature came down from 100, her hands look beautiful and are not swollen at all nor are her feet. I gave her a gorgeous manicure sans polish today then rubbed lotion on her hands. I could tell she loved it. Since she was so warm the Doc said that the fever actually "ate up" the edema in her hands. Funny how the body works, pretty damn amazing actually. Her breathing worries me, yes the sound, but also the depths of it.
I had to come home this evening. The 2 times I have stayed there I have been a mess the next day (exhausted and napping all day). I will be there tomorrow morning and hopefully things will be okay.
Prayers for the Dying:
Overcoming the Fear
Are you intimidated to offer prayers for the dying? Death is close at hand and you are there to bring comfort. Can you do it? Do you know how? The very fear you have and the grief you feel is also in the heart and mind of the one who is facing death. Don’t fight that, but embrace it and share it. Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.” As you mourn with someone who is dying or with someone who’s experiencing the death of someone close to them -- you give them comfort, you uplift, you are blessed because you are blessing someone else, and you too will experience comfort.
That is all for now--I have no doubt that all of us here give me great comfort and I hope each other too.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Transition Time (Tues pm)
Mom is not doing well. She refused any liquids today. She opens her eyes but they are not focused on anything. I always put her glasses on if she opens her eyes even the smallest bit. If she is going to have them open I want her to be able to see. I talked to her for a long time and I felt like she knew what I was saying.
I took a late nap in her bed with her curled up opposite her rubbing her leg. Today was a hard day. Life is very sad these days. My Mom always said, this too shall pass, about hard times. But this is her life, it is different.
I am thankful that I have had Mom for as long as I have... but I am not thankful that she is leaving. My heart is slowly breaking and I will never be the same. Nothing is normal anymore. I don't even know what normal is.
Looking for the Sunrise
I’m not looking for the sunset,
As the swift years come and go;
I am looking for the sunrise,
And the golden morning glow,
Where the light of heaven’s glory
Will break forth upon my sight,
In the land that knows no sunset,
Nor the darkness of the night.
I’m not going down the pathway
Toward the setting of the sun,
Where the shadows ever deepen
When the day at last is done;
I am walking up the hillside
Where the sunshine lights the way,
To the glory of the sunrise
Of God’s never-ending day.
I’m not going down, but upward,
And the path is never dim,
For the day grows ever brighter
As I journey on with Him.
So my eyes are on the hilltops,
Waiting for the sun to rise,
Waiting for His invitation
To the home beyond the skies.
--Albert Simpson Reitz, June 1953
I took a late nap in her bed with her curled up opposite her rubbing her leg. Today was a hard day. Life is very sad these days. My Mom always said, this too shall pass, about hard times. But this is her life, it is different.
I am thankful that I have had Mom for as long as I have... but I am not thankful that she is leaving. My heart is slowly breaking and I will never be the same. Nothing is normal anymore. I don't even know what normal is.
Looking for the Sunrise
I’m not looking for the sunset,
As the swift years come and go;
I am looking for the sunrise,
And the golden morning glow,
Where the light of heaven’s glory
Will break forth upon my sight,
In the land that knows no sunset,
Nor the darkness of the night.
I’m not going down the pathway
Toward the setting of the sun,
Where the shadows ever deepen
When the day at last is done;
I am walking up the hillside
Where the sunshine lights the way,
To the glory of the sunrise
Of God’s never-ending day.
I’m not going down, but upward,
And the path is never dim,
For the day grows ever brighter
As I journey on with Him.
So my eyes are on the hilltops,
Waiting for the sun to rise,
Waiting for His invitation
To the home beyond the skies.
--Albert Simpson Reitz, June 1953
Monday & Tuesday Updates
Monday was Tia (Sonya, Mom's sister's) Birthday - Happy Birthday Tia! We brought cupcakes to hospice and sang with Mom there. I know she hears us. We got her to drink more than we have been able to in the past few days so I was encouraged by that. I wish I knew what she was thinking when her eyes are open or when she is dreaming. You can really tell when she dreams. Right now she is sleeping peacefully most of the time.
Tuesday
We have not been able to get Mom to drink anything yet today. She has been sleeping the entire day. I am going to try to see if I can get her to drink shortly. She has not eaten in 9 days.
Just sharing a story from a few days ago... I was in my kitchen at home in the early morning with my daughter Eden who had woken up extra early. She got her morning "moo moo" then stood in the kitchen and said to me across the room, "Ita, Ita." That is the name my Mom chose to be called by her grandchildren. In spanish mammacita means little Mother, the 'ita' is a very endearing analogy so thus she chose "Ita" as her grandmother name. Eden has never said Ita on her own and why would she choose to say it in the morning and do so more clearly than she has ever done so before? My answer is simple. Because her Ita was there with her. More to come later in the day.
Tuesday
We have not been able to get Mom to drink anything yet today. She has been sleeping the entire day. I am going to try to see if I can get her to drink shortly. She has not eaten in 9 days.
Just sharing a story from a few days ago... I was in my kitchen at home in the early morning with my daughter Eden who had woken up extra early. She got her morning "moo moo" then stood in the kitchen and said to me across the room, "Ita, Ita." That is the name my Mom chose to be called by her grandchildren. In spanish mammacita means little Mother, the 'ita' is a very endearing analogy so thus she chose "Ita" as her grandmother name. Eden has never said Ita on her own and why would she choose to say it in the morning and do so more clearly than she has ever done so before? My answer is simple. Because her Ita was there with her. More to come later in the day.
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